Fuckkkk. I just got advised today and I finally declared a major which is Agriculture and Science. They don’t offer anything specifically in Animal Science which is what I would prefer to learn. I would have to go to San Antonio, San Marcos, or Kingsville to do that. The thing is that the careers I want to go for are pretty much you train as you go, they don’t require any specific degree or college career. I guess the best thing for me to do is to call up some animal adoption agencies and vet clinics to find out more information as to how to work for them and such.
As of right now I’m not too sure if I should go back to school next semester because I don’t want to be wasting my time taking bullshit classes that in the end I wont need. Sooo… I’m lost. I’m confused. What to do with my life?! Decisions! Ugh and this is coming from the most undecided human being alive. Maybe I should just work this semester instead of working and going to school? I need to think about it and I need to do it soon. I’m gonna give myself 3 days maximum to make up my mind because classes are filling up.
It seems like I’ve been getting these types of question a lot lately.
It feels like I have drifted off into my own little world for the past month or so. I’ve kind of been doing my own thing. I’ve been lost in my own mind. I have never thought so much in life until this past month. I’m pretty sure it’s the weather change that has made everyone, including me, feel “weird.” Weather change affects people psychologically and emotionally believe it or not. I’m pretty sure that’s the case in this situation.
I’ve been hanging out with a new circle of people, new ambience, new intellectual/philosophical level. (Of course I still stay true to my original gang.) I had already been bored with the way things were going for a while. I honestly need to start hanging out with different people all the time. I had a week were I hung out with someone different like every day. That felt so fucking great. I like observing and getting to know people, it’s what I do. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the friends that I was so used to hanging out with but, it seems like everyone is doing their own thing just like me. I understand that there is time during a friendship when things might seem to get dull, a little confused. I guess all I can do is wait and see if things will go back to normal? I need to let my friends do whatever it is that they need to do.
On a totally different (well kind of) note, on Saturday night I realized A LOT of things. It was kind of scary. I’m not sure if it was because I chose to remain sober or because I chose to ignore it before but after that one Saturday things have changed completely for me. I realized that people put on masks around different people; people use alcohol and drugs as an excuse to act reckless. I noticed a lot of flaws in a lot of people that day. Self control seems to be meaningless these days. I just don’t like how people choose to act stupid/inappropriately/sleazy just because they have alcohol in their system. It’s stupid. Why do you think I don’t get drunk? Why do you think that I let everyone else get fucked up? I’ve witnessed people acting ridiculously when they “party” and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Stupid, like everyone else. I do drink, I do smoke, and I do have self control. Self control is something that people like to act like they don’t have.
Anyways, I can’t wait for it to get legit cold. This type of cold weather has been making me want to go out of town or something. I’ve been smoking a lot more Weed lately, I’ve noticed that. I smoke like…. 2-4 times a day now when before it was only once or twice the most. I’ve been very, very ,very, anxious lately. The moment I wake up in the mornings I get this nervous feeling, even though I don’t have anything to be nervous about. I feel really jittery and my energy level is like at Crack Head high. My thoughts race through my head really fast and sometimes I feel like I’m gonna have an anxiety attack. I’m not sure why this has been happening but it sucks. I either need to be smoking cigarettes or smoking weed. The weed is what really helps me calm down but the moment it wears off I go back to being very anxious and nervous. It’s gay. I suck at life.
Like my previous post stated, I’m still in shock. I keep asking myself why it still hurts so much but then I realize that it’s only been four days since all of the destruction happened. 4 days and I already feel miserable. I guess I have to keep in mind that HE fucked up, that’s HE had no excuse, that HE lied, that HE fucked me over. I think it hurts so much because I hadn’t had that done to me in a long while. It had been over two years since ANY guy had hurt me like he did. It feels like the first time all over again. The anguish, the painful thoughts, the everyday reminders, the past. I know that the past should stay in the past but people don’t understand how my brain functions. Most people will go through something painful and they well block it out. I on the other hand, I will keep that tragic even in mind for months and months. There are things that have happened to me years ago that still pain me today.
I guess that’s what I hate about myself the most. I hate that I can’t forget or even block out something for a little bit. The good memories will fade but bad memories mark me like a brand. They will be there forever. All I can really do now is start meeting new people, I have to keep myself occupied, I have to get a fucking job, I have to start new all over again. I just want time to heal me.
What to write…. I had a lot of things to say like…10mins ago. :|
Fuck well anyways, hmm… All day today I’ve been feeling really anxious. I feel like I have a lot of damn energy but nothing to waste it on. I wanna run, I want to draw, I want to make music, I want to go for a picnic, I want to bike ride, I want to sing, I want to make my own clothing, I want to perfect make-up, I want to get lost in a forest, I want to swim, I want to catch up with old friends, I want to hug someone tightly, I want to socialize, I want to drink, I want to smoke, I want to laugh about stupid shit, I want to learn more, I want to try new thing, I WANT TO LIVE.
I have no idea if I’m doing this right, I didn’t really know how to reply to a post, so I hope this is it haha.. yeah dude ive been feeling really sick, and then my throat is all fucked up like ive been smoking way too many cigarettes lately =\ I have to cut down big time, a pack only lasts me like 2 days.. but I’m going to look for that excedrin thing then. &&&&&& I definately think you should make your own beats.. :D
I’m really hoping on getting some money soon so that I can take those classes that I need to become a substitute teacher! I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’m excited. I really want to sub at my old Fine Arts school (: Its a good paying job, you never haven to work weekends or holidays,you don’t work every single day, and its fairly easy.
On a different/random note… I want to make my own techno/electro music. I’m super cereal :| I am willing to buy all of the software, the mics, EVERYTHING. I’ve always been super envious of some of my friends that have all of that stuff. I have always wanted to make my own music but I got really pumped up the other day because a friend of mine sent me a song of his. It was the type of music I like and it actually sounded legit. It gave me bigger inspiration to actually do it, not only that the kid is like 17? Fucking little rich kids I swear. He has his own studio in his room and shit.
If a 17 year old can make good music I can make GREAT music.
For a while now my ex has been texting me on and off just to see whats up. At first it was just him trying to talk to me again because I had cut him off completely and then it went to him saying that he missed me and that he wanted me back. As much as it kills me to tell him to fuck off I had to. We have a LONG history together, I mean he was my first everything almost. I devoted 2yrs and a half of my life to him and then he ended up cheating on me several times in the end. Anyways, back to the present, last night he was texting me vigorously telling me he loved me and that he wanted to date me and that he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I got curious for some reason and I decided to check out his profile on Facebook. As soon as I looked at it, “LISTED IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ________.” That really pissed me off. He wanted me to go out with him while he has a gf?! Seriously? And he didn’t even tell me about her?
Without even telling him I messaged the girl and I left her all of the comments that he had left me and I told her EVERYTHING that he was telling me. I even went as far as letting his mom know what the fuck was up. I’m still close to his mom, she was like my second mom. I was mad because what he was doing to that girl, he did to me.
SO FUCK YOU! (: I’m happy I did what I did. An asshole like that doesn’t deserve anyone.
In 1945, as part of Operation Paperclip, the United States government recruited 1,600 Nazi scientists, many of whom had performed horrific human experimentation in Nazi concentration camps. The scientists were offered immunity from any war crimes they had committed during the course of their work for the Nazi government, in return for doing research for the United States government. Many of the Nazi scientists continued their human experimentation when they arrived in the United States.
A secret AEC document dated April 17, 1947, titled Medical Experiments in Humans stated:
“It is desired that no document be released which refers to experiments with humans that might have an adverse reaction on public opinion or result in legal suits. Documents covering such fieldwork should be classified Secret.” —From Goliszek, In The Name of Science
At the same time, the Public Health Service was instructed to tell citizens downwind from bomb tests that the increases in cancers were due to neurosis, and that women with radiation sickness, hair loss, and burned skin were suffering from “housewife syndrome”.
I really need to make up my mind about things. Well more like about one particular issue. I want to say it out loud but I’m not one to explode my problems on people. Thank goodness for a Blog huh? I think I need time to clear my head and to regroup my thoughts. My head is a total mess right now and although I don’t show it… I’m not happy. I’m content and I’m tired of it. Don’t you feel like you’ve been content all your life and not happy?
I want to wake up and actually say that I am Happy, legitimately Happy. I think one thing that holds me back is that fact that I live here. I’m tired of the people, the ambiance, the amount of fucking fakes. I mean don’t get me wrong if it wasn’t for my AMAZING friends♥ I would of been out of here the moment I was out of high school.
Right now these Lyrics Relate to what’s going on in my head and to Summarize what I was talking about…. I don’t think you suit me.
Miike Snow- Cult Logic ♫♪
"All my life I've been the slave of consequence wondering how this life could be so intricate. I wanna rewrite my heart and let the future in I wanna open it up and let somebody in
can you free me from the logic that I knew I believe it even if it is not true.
Am I falling asleep on my feet again? I call out, is anybody listening and it's like I'm diving into emptiness but at least there's something beating in my chest
can you free me from the logic that I knew I believe it even if it is not true."
When you get to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty or looks. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body, but not your heart. That’s why when you really connect with a person, any physical imperfections disappear, they become irrelevant.
 own car [x] cell phone [ ] own phone line  own bathroom [x] own room  2 or more story house  built-in pool [ ] guest house [ ] game room [x] tv in your room [x] Double Bed  more than 20 pairs of shoes  10+ things from a designer store [x] good grades  Dior sunglasses [ ] louis vuitton purse [x] iPod  XBOX [ ] PS2  mp3 player [ ] Mercedes Benz [ ] BMW [ ] basketball hoop [ ] air hockey table [ ] pool table [ ] ping pong table [ ] trampoline [ ] live ON a lake or pond [ ] own a pair of skiis  own a snowboard [ ] has a boat [ ] has a jet ski [ ] has a beach house/ cabin [x] only child  stereo system in bedroom [x] DVD player in bedroom [ ] 100+ dvd’s [ ] gets $50+ for allowance each month  goes shopping every month…or every week  shops at abercrombie [ ] goes snowboarding/ skiing every weekend [x ] makeup [x ] cologne/perfume [x] AIM [x] MSN [x] Yahoo  5+ trophies/Awards [x] own digital camera [ ] walk-in closet [ ] electric scooter [ ] dirt bike [ ] 4X4 truck  guitar/drums [ ] hammock [ ] been on a cruise  traveled out of the country  weight set/ workout set in house [ ] personal fit trainer [ ] expensive jewerly [ ] met a celeb [x ] straightener/ curling iron [ ] gets hair done/nails/spas  on/was on a Varsity team for the school [ ] own batting cage [ ] 100+ in wallet/ purse right now [ ] own savings account [x] 1+ BEST friends [ ] been to the carribean [ ] been to asia [ ] been to hawaii [ ] been to NY  shopped in seattle [ ] eaten at the space needle in seattle [ ] been on the eiffel tower in paris [ ] been on the statue of liberty in NY [x] been on the honor roll for 2+ years [ ] went on a trip for sweet sixteen birthday  lives on a private property  license [x] moved 3+ times [ ] sports car  hot tub [x] pet(s) [ ] ranch [ ] verizon [ ] AT&T  Sprint [ x] virgin mobile / other  been to 5+ states in the US. [x] dont have a job. [x] 100+ buddies on messenger [x] alarm clock  home-cooked meal almost everyday  eat-out almost everyday [x] been in a limo [ ] own camcorder  own laptop  own desktop
So since tomorrow is the dreaded Friday 13th a lot of tattoo parlors are doing this awesome sale where they’ll tattoo you for only 13 dollars. My friend is drawing me up a design today so I can get mine tomorrow. The tattoo has to be the size of half a dollar bill so I mean that’s a pretty good size for 13 dollars. (: I’m excited! I’ve been wanting to get more ink for a while now. The tattoo is going to go on my left side. Of course I’ll make sure to take pictures of it once I get it done. The beauty of it is that its going to be in color. <3 <3
Your dream of the perfect date: I don’t have a “dream date.”
Goals you’d like to achieve: Finish school, get out of this city, start new.
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Fuck I only slept 3 hours..AGAIN.
Your best physical feature: Dude..I dont have one.
Your bed time: I do not have one. My sleeping habits are more ridiculous that Lady GaGa.
Your most missed memory: Old friends.
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: I suppose Pepsi.
McDonald’s or Burger King: I hate Mc D’s so BK.
Single or Group Dates: It all depends on the other couple really. I like some of them and others suck at life.
Adidas or Nike: None?
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Yeah, I need to slow my role.
Cuss: Fuck no…Yes.
Take showers: Damn right.
Have a crush: Nope.
Like school: Yeah, I cant just not go to school. I feel like I’m wasting my time when I’m out of school for the summer.
Believe in yourself: Some days are easier than others.
Believe what goes around comes around: I’d like to say yes.
Believe everything happens for a reason: I’m not even sure. I think we use that as an excuse to make our selves feel better about our shitty lives.
Think you’re a health freak: Not really.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH.
Gone to the mall: Yeah to buy some cigarettes, its what the cool kids go to the mall for.
Been on stage: Nope, its been a while.
Eaten sushi: Yeah.
Been hurt: I think so but I numbed it out.
Dyed your hair: Never have, not sure If I ever will.
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: Not really.
Gotten beaten up: Eh.
Changed who you were to fit in: Fuck that.
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Nope, not at all actually. Marriage is just too much bullshit. I mean imagine, break ups suck ass right? Well marriage, when shit hits the ceiling, divorce comes and then lawyers and all of that legal complicated bullshit.
Number of kids you’re planning on having: NONE.
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: Blue or Green.
Hair color: I don’t really care.
Short or long hair: Preferred…LONG.
Fat or fit: Not too fat, not too skinny.
Looks or personality: Personality of course.
Fun or serious: Leveled combination of both.
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 minute ago: Talking.
1 hour ago: I was just here talking to some people.
Fuckkkkk have things changed. Since I haven’t been able to sleep I went ahead and I looked through all of my old pictures on myspace and facebook. There was some pictures that I had totally forgotten about, people I dont talk to anymore, people I ended up dating, friends that turned out to be enemies, old crushes, I mean the list goes on and on.
It’s always strange to look back on things and realizing how different things are now. Those pictures made me wish I was 17 again because life was happier and easier to deal with.
Am I giving off a certain vibe, scent, look, or motive?
The reason I ask this is because in this past week I have had several people confess that they like me…A LOT. And by several I mean a rough guesstimation of about 7 (could be more, I dont know)? I have ex boyfriends trying to get back in touch and back together. I have close friends wanting to be more. I have strangers wanting to get to know me for all the wrong reasons. I mean what happened that suddenly everyone decided to confess their feelings to me? Did all of these people get together and plan to say how they felt at the same time? Group Effort much? Don’t get me wrong, I am falttered but I still find it super weird.
I honestly always have to ask intensely why people like me for the simple fact that I think I’m lame as shit lol. It’s always been hard for me to comprehend what people like so much about me. I’m nothing special, I’m not talented, I’m not good looking, I’m boring, I hate a lot of things, I’m stupidly sarcastic, I’m a dick. I mean seriously would you want to be with someone with all of those characteristics? No.
I don’t know what’s wrong with the world right now so can someone explain? <3